Names and Pronouns
A Rose By Any Other Name...
Many cisgender individuals don’t typically think about names or gender pronouns too much. Most of the time, the conversations around the topic center around shortened or nicknames. It isn’t considered societally unusual for somebody named Thomas to go by “Tom” or “Tommy”, or for Madison to go by Maddy, or even a playful, “Mads”. Other names can seemingly come out of left field such as getting “Dick” out of Richard or “Peggy” out of Margaret. This extends into somebody who uses a pseudonym, stage name, or nomme de plum. We don’t bat an eye at artists like Stefani Germanotta (AKA Lady Gaga) and Symere Woods (AKA Lil Uzi), or actors like Maurice Micklewhite (AKA Michael Caine).
This courtesy is not always offered to transgender people from cisgender people. It is extremely common for trans people to go by a name that they feel better matches their identity. The term deadname actually refers to a trans person’s birth name, a name they no longer go by, or is dead, to them. Deadnaming is the action of referring to a trans person by their birth name, despite them not going by said name anymore (Clements, 2017). Not all trans people have the capability or the desire to legally change their name; legalization of a name is not required for a name to be valid. Deadnaming can be a trigger for gender dysphoria in trans individuals, or at the very least seen as an indicator that the person using the incorrect name is not a supporter.
Pronouns:
There are typically 3 categories used for pronouns:
Masculine: He, Him, His | Honorific: Mr.
Feminine: She, Her, Hers | Honorific: Ms./Mrs.
Gender Neutral/Third Person*: They, Them, Theirs | Honorific: Mx.
*While they/them may be the most commonly used of the gender neutral, third person, or non-binary pronouns, some TGE people opt to use less commonly known variations, known as neopronouns including, but not limited to: Ze (pronounced “zee”), Zir (“zeer”) , Zem (“zehm”), Xe (zee) or Xir (zihr).
It is relatively rare to hear somebody use the incorrect gender pronouns for cisgender folk. Typically, using the wrong gender pronouns is done in either an insultory or playful manner.
In the LGBTQ+ community, it’s not uncommon to hear “she” subbed for “he." Particularly for gay men, "...using these words is a way of embracing femininity and showing vulnerability or affection to others who share their identities” (Anspach, 2018).
Pronouns can be simultaneously a small and big deal to a trans person. While most cis people don’t think much about pronouns (if at all), for some trans individuals, they can be considered subtle markers of whether or not they are "passing." Passing is a term that refers to whether or not somebody is "passing" as cisgender or being perceived as the gender they are presenting. It should be noted that passing is decreasing in popularity (as it can connote deception or imply that one can somehow "fail" at being who they are).
When somebody uses the wrong pronouns for a person, whether accidentally or purposefully, it is known as misgendering. Misgendering trans individuals--particularly when done so purposefully--can trigger gender dysphoria or cause mental anguish.
“While the anti-trans attitudes and transphobic comments were troubling, the smaller mistakes associated with daily misgendering by her peers and colleagues also insidiously eroded her confidence. She explained: ‘Being referred to as he or him, it was always kind of a moment of recognition: ‘Oh yeah, I’m trans and I have this problem because people are seeing me like this still, even though I am trying for them not to.’ There wasn’t ever a space where somebody was always using the correct pronouns for me all the time.’” (Bartolome, 37)
Malgendering and Degendering
Alongside misgendering, malgendering and degendering are two other forms of misgendering.
Malgendering refers to a cis person exclusively respecting a trans person's gender identity when they can do so in a stereotypical or problematic way (ex: critiquing a trans woman's capability to drive because she's a woman, or telling a trans man showing emotion that he should "man up").
Degendering refers to the full removal of gendered pronouns from one's speech so as to avoid correctly gendering the trans person. Degendering can also include purposefully or explicitly using gender neutral, or androgynous, pronouns in reference to a trans woman or man.
How to Respectfully Ask What to Use:
If someone outs themselves as trans or TGE to you, it is important to know what name and pronouns they would like for you to use. Chances are, they'll tell you, but don’t be afraid to follow up and ask in a respectful and private manner. This is not a discussion to have in front of other people, if possible. Simply ask something along the lines of, “What name do you go by?” or "What pronouns do you use?"
If the person has not disclosed their TGE or trans identity to others, or outed themselves, ask them if it’s okay to use these names or pronouns in front of others. Some people may be a little more selective because they may not be out to some individuals in their community yet. Support them and follow their wishes, it's that simple.
It’s also a good idea to give the person a heads up that you might slip up every once and a while, because everybody is human. As long as you assure them that you are trying (and most importantly actually work to improve until correctly gendering them is second nature to you), they will mostly likely just appreciate that you are making the effort.